Well here I sit, two days after getting a positive pregnancy test, in the same situation I was in 3 months ago. I am so incrediblly frustrated, I do not even know where to start. I began feeling that something was up on my trip to CA 2 weeks ago. As soon as I got home from the trip, I took a prgnancy test and it was negative. I thought, "Well great! Last month was 6-9 days early(I can't quite remember)so now we are going to be late." When almost 2 weeks had gone by, and still no remote sign of starting anytime soon, I finally broke down and had Sam go buy me a test. He had been bugging me for two days already because he had caught on that I had not started yet, and it had been awhile. Of course the test comes back positive so all sorts of thoughts went racing through my head. I really wanted to feel like things were okay, but that feeling just never came. I decided to call my doctor yesterday to see if they would get me in before the 4th holidays. They did, and I was not quite prepared for it. Due to my new diagnosis of MTHFR, they told me I needed to start Lovenox shots right away. "SHOTS!! ARE THEY CRAZY?!?!?!?!" I am not fond of needles, but if this would be the trick to making everything go smoother, I would do it. I had to ask about spotting though, because I had read online that the shots can actually cause you to spot. The nurse said that they should not unless I had a clot. Well, every other time I have so I voiced my concern. To try to help me feel a little more comforted, she asked if I would like to do a sono to make sure. BIG MISTAKE! I agreed, but now wish I had not.
I once again have two things that appear to be gestational sacs, and a HUGE bleed between the two of them. Since they do not give you ultrasound pictures when things do not look good, I drew what it looked like, the best I could.
The bleed is much, Much, MUCH bigger than with my last pregnancy, so I am just sick knowing what this might mean. Everyone says to stay positive, but it is so hard when things look so bad. I went online early this morning, since I really could not sleep at all, to see if I could find someone else with an ultrasound of this sort, and had no such luck. When Dr. L came in to talk to me about it, he said we will be optimistic about it, so go ahead and start the shots, but I just do not feel it is right to prolong something that is inevitable. I want to have another baby so----- bad, but I do not want to cling to something that I know in my heart is not right. Sam is calling the doctor today to ask some questions, and maybe then I can feel a little more at ease about things. The main question for now is, "Is there really hope?" We shall see. I do not want a sugar-coated answer because I feel that will only make the situation worse. I would like to know the truth and not just what he thinks I want to hear. He has done this for years, so he should know.
I did manage to give myslef my first shot this morning. It was not even close to being as bad as I thought it would. The hardest part was the going in. Once I got it in, I knew if I chickened out I would have to poke myslef again. So, I did it. Didn't know at all what I was doing, but I am sure no one is a pro the first several times. I managed to make my feet tingle by pushing them to floor so hard in sheer fearand managed to sit there for probably 10 minutes just squeezing my stomach in anticipation of how bad is was going to be. However, it only stung for about 10 minutes, but the pain of it was not even bad enough to over-ride the pain of my crampping from the bleed I have. We will see how things go the rest of the day. I am going to try and keep busy to keep my mind off of it the best I can.
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