An Intro to How this Began

In October of 2007, Sam and I decided that we wanted to have another baby. We both just felt that William was not the last of our children. The kids had also been asking if we were ever going to have more children, so we felt that that was our clue that we were not done with our family yet. In January of 2008, things were going just a little strange, so I decided to see my ObGyn. My normal OB was not available that day, so I had to see the doctor on call. She said that I was infertile and would never get pregnant without medical assistance (Clomid and lots of hormone shots.) She said I was 30 and sometimes that happens after 30. I was devastated. I cried the whole way home feeling my body was just no longer any good. I couldn't understand how 1 day after I turned 30 I was now unable to conceive. When I made it home I called some of my friends to tell them what had happened. That is when I realized that what had just happened was so far in left field that I really had nothing to worry about. All of the women I talked to for weeks after this chaotic day all agreed that after you turn 30 things can slow down a little but it does not mean your body just shuts down. I just had to be a little more patient. Never have we ever had this problem, but I was willing to submit to it and that made life a little easier. The next several months were very crazy. My cycles were all over the place. Finally, in the middle of August, we found out we were expecting. Sam and I were so very excited!!! Our time had finally arrived, but it was short lived. Exactly 5 days after we got our positive pregnancy test, I started spotting, bad! I knew that it was probably not going to be successful this time. I called my OB right away, but being a Saturday, she said I could go into the ER or, if things were not super bad, I could wait and see her in the office on Monday morning. We chose to wait. I have done the ER visit for miscarrying and it was a horrible experience. I did not want to go through that again. Monday morning came not too soon enough. I was sure I had already lost the baby. When Sam and I made it to the OB's office, our nightmare continued. My OB was not there, even though she told us on Saturday that she would be, and they said we would have to see the doctor that I saw in January. There was NO Way! I told Sam we were leaving! As we got in the car I lost it! Too many emotions were running crazy. I called a dear friend of mine, who is a doula, for a reccomendation for an OB. She gave me one, and they were able to see me right away. They were fantastic, but did confirm that I had already lost the baby. Sam and I left very sad and very discouraged. We had some very big and important events coming up soon in our lives so we knew we had to put our trying for another baby on hold. The beginnings of my pregnancies have always been shakey, and I normally end up on bedrest for a little while. During this time, many of my very close friends also experienced miscarriages. Most of them, for the first time, and multiple times. A few of them were even far enough along that they had to go through labor and deliver their stillborn babies. My pain and sorrow for them still aches inside. Even though I have had multiple miscarriages, at least they have been ealry in my pregnancies. I do not believe I could handle going through what they have been through. For a while, I really kept things to myself. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I didn't want to go to church or on outtings. I just wanted to be alone. But as my friends began to talk about their situations, I began to realize I could talk about mine too. It actually helped the pain. All my friends agree that no matter how far along you are, a loss is a loss and it still hurts. You bond with that baby from the day you find out they are there. Being very scared to try again, Sam and I really started trying to improve our spiritual lives. When I started going back to church, I began to feel much better. For our anniversary, Sam and I went to the San Antonio temple, made it in by the skin of our teeth, and are so glad we did. As we left, we both shared the feelings we got being there that our time would be soon. There indeed is a child waiting for us, and we just need to wait until the time is right. So we did. We are now saying multiple prayers a day, reading scriptures regularly, and having our family home evenings every week. The peace we have felt from just doing this has been great. I feel that is what our entire family needed before adding another baby to the mix.